The guy with D.I.D.

This is part one of a series of videos where I discuss my...

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 10:45:00 -0500

This is part one of a series of videos where I discuss my extreme paranoia which led up to me abandoning my job recently.

The next video I talk about what I believe to be cotard delusions I’ve had.

DP/DR/Switch/Derp at my Bachelor's Party

Sun, 07 Apr 2013 22:26:00 -0500

The other day was my bachelor’s party. I down to A-Town to be with my friends and family who were all meeting me for a night of playing D&D, drinking, and eating bad food. While I was there everything was going well, then it wasn’t. I was in a “funk” and I couldn’t understand why I was.

The emotion was torn away from the event.I knew who these people were but I didn’t care much for them. I kept telling myself that this was my best-man/best-friend and my two brothers over and over again assuring myself that they were not strangers.

I didn’t much care about being here. I couldn’t understand why I was in Austin… although I knew why I was there. I wanted to go home. I almost started crying. I wondered what would happen if I called up the Girl With DID and asked her to drive the three hours to pick me up.

Almost two hours pass when the fog of derealization lifted leaving me able to relate to the world and my family once again. Fast forward 8 hours to when I am laying down in my friends guest room bed. Moments before I fall asleep depersonalization hits. I don’t who I am. I feel small. I’m young. I’m a girl. I’m April. End scene.

What am I doing? Slipping into psychosis?

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 12:40:22 -0500

My wedding is in two weeks. This and general life stress is taking its toll. I can barely remember my days any more. It all just seems like a dream assuming I remember it.

I live in a world where I see myself perform life’s tasks. Almost never in my body. Sometimes I see other people in my memories. These people are supposed to be me but its not my face or body,

I’m taking more Xanax each and every week. .25mg used to knock me on my ass two months ago. Today I just took my 2nd 1mg.

The obsessions are back - this insatiable need for complete and total perfection - god like even. My morals must be better than anyone’s otherwise I am a terrible person.

The other day I heard my coworker say, “Yeah, I’ll kill them. I’ll kill my entire family.” Then later another coworker, “I’ve killed my family before.” I know they didn’t say these things they couldn’t have.

Then I started having these intrusive thoughts of people killing me. These are day dreams and I experience them almost as intensely as a flash back. I’ve had to leave early from work multiple times.

My fantasies are becoming more elaborate like I can step into them and loose self by accident. I’ll be sitting at the computer then I’m in a daydream and the world around me gets fuzzy.

Doctor put me on Abilify which is good to some degree. Within about 5 hours it fully kicked in. I turned to my fiancé and said, “I know this is going to sound weird but for the first time in a really long time I feel alive.” She smiled softly.

The only draw back is that it makes me hyper as hell and restless. An anti-psychotic that makes you hyper wasn’t expecting that. I haven’t taken it more than three times as a result. I think getting up from my desk at work every 10 minutes would seem odd. I need to call my psych but I can’t and I don’t know why.

New Horizons

Thu, 21 Mar 2013 11:41:45 -0500

On Valentines Day I found that I was going to be a father. Wedding soon to follow. :). Video to come.

Baby

Sat, 16 Feb 2013 07:38:07 -0600

So I found out on Valentines day that the girl with DID is pregnant with my child. I’m do happy but freaking out at the same time.

Emotions

Thu, 07 Feb 2013 19:53:27 -0600

My top 5 emotions I feel the most:
1. Fear
2. Nothingness
3. Love
4. Happiness
5. FuckIAMGoingCrazyAndAmAboutToLoseMyShit

Age Confusion

Wed, 23 Jan 2013 12:08:37 -0600

For a fact I turn 30 this year. Ugh. But I’m 28. Fucking lame :/

Work and dissociation

Mon, 07 Jan 2013 17:19:36 -0600

Ever since I have begun working again I have questioned myself on a daily basis if this is something I should be doing. As a web developer the money is great but is it worth the extra crippling anxiety?

While on my disability all I wanted to do was work again. I struggled to find a profession that would give me a decent wage with a moderate amount of stress. As soon as I went down a particular path I would stop abruptly unable to focus on anything meaningful long enough to get anything done. First I wanted to go back to school to be a videographer. Then I wanted to be a counselor. Then a artist. That morphed into becoming a short story writer. Then that changed into being a photographer.

The bills began to backup and there was only thing I could really feasibly do and that was to go back into my previous profession. I knew this might be pragmatic due to the stress but I had little other options. So, picked up my profession as a web developer once again. I wish I had the ability to unify and choose a solid profession besides this one because it is killing me again.

With the therapy every memory that I encounter blows my mind apart and throws me off balance and I have to spend days picking up the pieces again. Some of the most shocking bubbled up through quiet contemplation and in a sense brute force mind hacking. These are things I didn’t want to remember. Shit that I didn’t want to feel again.

I feel numbed trying to distance myself from all the anxiety I face every day. This anxiety is not your typical anxiousness people might feel. Every day my anxiety is on parallel with “I just messed something up and it cost the company a million dollars.” Every day I wake up I dread going to work because I dread the anxiety, the horrible feelings of inadequacy, and the unshakable sense that I’ve done something wrong and they are mad at me.

5 out of 7 days a week I loose time whereas when I wasn’t working I rarely lost time. 6-7 days a week I DP/DR several times a day whereas before it was maybe once or twice a week. My anxiety is almost never ending. I have to take Xanax every morning and at noon just to get through the day. At night the anxiety is so strong I have to force myself to sleep (fear of dying in my sleep).

I’ll sit at my computer in the middle of writing code then all of a sudden I don’t know what I am doing. I don’t know how to code, and I don’t know how to read it. The memories are gone and where the fuck they went to I have no idea but it kind of pisses me off. Then I remember again. This can last from 5 minutes to ????.

Every day I sit in my cubical and I worry that I am talking to myself out loud. During the times when I realize that I have dissociated myself into nothingness I worry that I’ve been sitting there staring at my computer mumbling to myself.

There is a part of me that wants me to run away. Far away. Just anywhere but here. Then the realization hits me that I am trying to literally runaway from myself. It is me that causes all the stress and needless anxiety and it might be time for me to go.

New Year. Old Trauma The New Year is around the corner....

Fri, 28 Dec 2012 00:00:00 -0600

New Year. Old Trauma

The New Year is around the corner. I’ll talk briefly about my first episode of dissociation when I was young and fell through a frozen lake.

Going Back to Work Since my diagnosis of DID around March of...

Sun, 02 Dec 2012 00:00:00 -0600

Going Back to Work

Since my diagnosis of DID around March of last year I’ve been on disability. Earlier this month I started working again and have been dealing with the repercussions of workplace stress.

Back to Work

Tue, 09 Oct 2012 20:02:23 -0500

Been awhile since I’ve posted on here. I’m heading back to work soon and it appears that my position is in serious demand which is good but has been hell due to my phone ringing every 20 minutes from employers. Keeping track of interviews has been insane because three to four times a day I’m interviewing. Should be interesting to see if I can hold it together mentally.

Death By Alcoholism My uncle passed away recently from severe...

Fri, 14 Sep 2012 19:56:00 -0500

Death By Alcoholism

My uncle passed away recently from severe alcoholism. He was drinking a half gallon of vodka every day for months and began having seizures up until the day he died as a result.

"We are almost always afraid of what’s to come rather than what is already here"

Tue, 28 Aug 2012 19:31:49 -0500

“We are almost always afraid of what’s to come rather than what is already here”

Out of Body Experiences - Am I Weird?

Thu, 02 Aug 2012 22:24:00 -0500

I’d say I have an average of about two - five OBEs every day, depending on how crappy the week is going. I don’t even think it has anything to do to trauma in the present moment when it happens.

When thinking back to the moments before the OBE I see everything from my eyes then all of a sudden it stops like when you press pause while watching a DVD. It’s only then that I am out of body and see myself from a multitude of different angles.

I can then twist and turn the “camera” around in any different direction I choose. I can go up, down, sideways, far away, or close up. I can pan through walls like they don’t exist. But the memory is still paused. I never see it in “play.” There’s no talking or sound it’s just a single frame on pause.

For example, #1, I’m sitting in my therapists office and I hear her and I talking about something irrelevant (or not?). Then all of a sudden my memory jumps to, #2, what I think is the OBE where I see myself sitting there on the couch with a crooked grin and relaxed demeanor.

In the “frame” #2 there is no thoughts, no talking, no nothing as it is a still frame. Then it my memory jumps to me walking outside of the building while looking through my eyes. Then it jumps to an OBE where I see myself walking to my car.

During the time after #2 and me walking to the car I can recall very little of what occurred. And every time I think back to the moment of the OBE it is always from the same camera angle. It is never from a different angle but I can still rotate the camera around from any perspective I want.

The therapist I saw when I was diagnosed said this was a pretty classic depiction of when someone switches. But if this is a switch then why all the “blips” of first person point of view to that of an OBE in the time span of 20 seconds it takes to walk to my car?

So, am I weird, normal, or do I have brain cancer?

"Mental disorders are wasted. I dream of a world where you can ride the Bipolar roller coaster, the..."

Wed, 01 Aug 2012 10:58:00 -0500

“Mental disorders are wasted. I dream of a world where you can ride the Bipolar roller coaster, the Schizophrenic echo chamber, the haunted hall of DID, and the hospital room of Anxiety. I think it is only then would people understand their normality. It is only then that people can truly have sympathy for those that don’t.”

- Ryan (The Guy With DID)

Love

Sat, 28 Jul 2012 21:45:13 -0500

I love that you get cold when it’s 71 degrees out. I love that you get a little smirk when you’re looking at me like I’m nuts. I love that after I spend day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes.

And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it’s not because I’m lonely and it’s not because you’re far away. It’s the little things.

Like the last time you wore my shirt I smiled. You asked what I was thinking and I smirked saying it was nothing. But what I really thought was is that you look good wearing my future.

"Sometimes you have to talk your troubles down to a size where you can handle them."

Thu, 26 Jul 2012 10:44:06 -0500

“Sometimes you have to talk your troubles down to a size where you can handle them.”

- Madeline Kahn - The Muppets
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cpUz552CXMQ

List of Over 200 Anxiety Symptoms

Wed, 18 Jul 2012 18:30:17 -0500

I found this on Reddit the other day. Here is the source article: http://www.anxiety-central.com/index.php?/page/index.html/_/articles/forum/list-of-over-100-anxiety-symptoms-r16

205 Symptoms of Anxiety

GENERAL BODY SYMPTOMS

1. Allergy problems, increase in allergies (number, sensitivity, reactions, lengthier reactions)

2. Back pain, stiffness, tension, pressure, soreness, spasms, immobility in the back or back muscles

3. Blanching (looking pale, loss of color in the face or skin)

4. Blushing, turning red, flushed face, flushed skin, blushing, red face or skin

5. Body jolts, body zaps, electric jolt feeling in body, intense body tremor or “body shake”

6. Body temperature increase or decrease, change in body temperature

7. Burning skin, itchy, “crawly,” prickly or other skin sensations, skin sensitivity, numbness on the skin

8. Burning skin sensation on the face, neck, ears, scalp, or shoulders

9. Chest pain, chest tightness

10. Choking

11. Chronic Fatigue, exhaustion, super tired, worn out

12. Clumsiness, feeling clumsy, co-ordination problems with the limbs or body

13. Cold chills, feeling cold

14. Craving sugar, sweets, chocolate, usual craving for sugar and sweets

15. Difficulty speaking, moving mouth, talking, co-ordination problems with the mouth or tongue

16. Dizziness, feeling lightheaded

17. Dizzy, feeling dizzy

18. Electric shock feeling, body zaps

19. Excess of energy, you feel you can’t relax

20. Falling sensation, feel like your are falling or dropping even though you aren’t

21. Feel like you are going to pass out or faint

22. Feeling cold or chilled

23. Feel wrong, different, foreign, odd, or strange

24. Flu-like symptoms, general malaise, feel ill, like you are coming down with a flu

25. Flushed face, red face, flushed skin

26. Head Zaps

27. Heart palpitations, racing heart

28. Hyperactivity, excess energy, nervous energy

29. Increased or decreased sex drive

30. Infection - increased infections, persistent infection

31. Mouth or throat clicking or grating sound/noise when you move your mouth or jaw, such as when talking

32. Muscles that vibrate, jitter, tremor, or shake when used

33. Muscle twitching

34. Nausea

35. Nausea vomiting

36. Neck, back, shoulder pain, tightness/stiffness

37. Night sweats, waking up in a sweat, profusely sweating at night

38. No energy, feeling lethargic, tired

39. Numbness

40. Numbness tingling, numbness and tingling

41. Numbness and tingling, and other skin sensations on hands, feet, face, head, or any other place.

42. Persistent muscle tension, stiffness

43. Pounding heart, heart feels like it is beating too hard

44. Pulsing or throbbing muscles. Pulsing or throbbing sensation.

45. Rib or rib cage tightness, pressure, or feeling like a tight band around the rib cage

46. Sexual Dysfunction, sexual uninterest

47. Shooting pains, stabbing pains, and odd pressures in the neck, head, or face

48. Shooting pains in the face

49. Shooting pains in the scalp or head

50. Skipped heart beats

51. Sore or tight scalp or back of the neck

52. Startle easily

53. Sweating, uncontrollable profuse sweating

54. The floor feels like it is moving either down or up for no reason

55. Tightness in the ribs or rib cage area, may also feel like a tight band around the ribs or rib cage area.

56. Tingling sensations, anywhere on the body, including the hands, feet, legs, arms, head, mouth, chest, groin area

57. Throat or mouth clicking or grating sound/noise when you move your mouth or jaw, such as when talking.

58. Trembling or shaking

59. Twitching

60. Unsteadiness, dizziness, feeling dizzy or lightheaded

61. Urgency to urinate, frequent urination, sudden urge to go to the washroom (similar to urinary

62. tract or prostate infection symptoms)

63. Warm spells

64. Weak - feel weak, weakness, low energy, light, soft, like you may faint

65. Weak legs, arms, or muscles

66. Weight loss, weight gain

Chest

67. Chest pain or discomfort

68. Concern about the heart

69. Feel like you have to force yourself to breath

70. Find it hard to breath, feeling smothered, shortness of breath

71. Frequent yawning to try and catch your breath

72. Heart Palpitations – beating hard or too fast, rapid heartbeat

73. Irregular heart rhythms, flutters or ‘skipped’ beats, tickle in the chest that makes you cough

74. Pounding heart, heart feels like it is beating too hard

75. Rib or rib cage tightness, pressure, or feeling like a tight band around the rib cage

Head

76. Burning, itchy, tight scalp

77. Dizziness

78. Dizzy

79. Dizziness or light-headedness

80. Frequent headaches, migraine headaches

81. Feeling like there is a tight band around your head, pressure, tightness

82. Head, neck or shoulder pain, tightness/stiffness

83. Head zaps, head tremors

84. Giddiness

85. Numbness

86. Numbness tingling, numbness and tingling

87. Shooting pains, stabbing pains, and odd pressures in the neck, head, or face

88. Shooting pains in the face

89. Shooting pains in the scalp or head

90. When you close your eyes you feel like are beginning to, or will, float upwards

91. Sore jaw that feels like a tooth ache

92. TMJ (Temporo-Mandibular Joint) - clenching of the jaw or grinding of the teeth

Hearing

93. Feel like there is something stuck in your ear, that your ear canal it plugged or blocked, that there is a pebble in your ear that you can’t get out

94. Low rumbling sounds

95. Reduced hearing, frequent or intermittent reduced hearing or deafness in one or both ears

96. Ringing in the ears, noises in the ears, noises in the head

97. Pulsing in the ears, throbbing sound in the ear(s)

Mind

98. Afraid of everything

99. Altered state of reality, consciousness, or universe feeling

100. Deja Vu, a feeling like you’ve done or experienced something before

101. Depersonalization

102. Derealization

103. Desensitization

104. Difficulty concentrating, short-term memory loss

105. Difficulty thinking, speaking, forming thoughts, following conversations

106. Disorientation

107. Fear of going crazy

108. Fear of losing control

109. Fear of impending doom

110. Feelings of unreality

111. Frequent feeling of being overwhelmed, or that there is just too much to handle or do

112. Having difficulty concentrating

113. Nightmares, bad dreams

114. Obsession about sensations or getting better

115. Repetitive thinking or incessant ‘mind chatter’

116. Short-term learning impairment, have a hard time learning new information

117. Short-term memory impairment, can’t remember what I did a few days, hours, or moments ago

118. Spaced out feelings, feeling spaced out

119. “Stuck” thoughts; thoughts, mental images, concepts, songs, or melodies that “stick” in your mind and replay over and over again.

120. Trapped in your mind feeling

121. Underlying anxiety, apprehension, or fear

122. You often feel you are carrying the world on your shoulders

Emotions

123. A heightened fear of what people think of you

124. Afraid of being trapped in a place with no exits

125. Constant feeling of being overwhelmed.

126. Fear of being in public

127. Fear of dying

128. Fear of losing control

129. Fear of impending doom

130. Fear of making mistakes or making a fool of yourself to others

131. Fear of passing out

132. Fear that you are losing your mind

133. Fears about irrational things, objects, circumstances, or situations

134. Fears of going crazy, of dying, of impending doom, of normal things, unusual feelings and emotions, unusually frightening thoughts or feelings

135. Heightened self awareness, or self-consciousness

136. Need to find nearest washrooms before you can feel comfortable

137. Need to seat near exits

138. Always feeling angry and lack of patience

139. Depersonalization

140. Depression

141. Dramatic mood swings (emotional flipping)

142. Emotionally blunted, flat, or numb

143. Emotional “flipping” (dramatic mood swings)

144. Emotions feel wrong

145. Everything is scary, frightening

146. Feeling down in the dumps

147. Feeling like things are unreal or dreamlike

148. Frequently being on edge or ‘grouchy’

149. Feel like crying for no apparent reason

150. Have no feelings about things you used to

151. Not feeling like yourself, detached from loved ones, emotionally numb

152. Underlying anxiety, apprehension, or fear

153. You feel like you are under pressure all the time

Mouth/Stomach

154. A ‘tinny’, ‘metallic’ or ‘ammonia’, or unusual smell or taste

155. Aerophagia (swallowing too much air, stomach distention, belching)

156. Burning mouth, feeling like the inside of your mouth is burning, or tingling, or like pins and needles

157. Burning tongue, feeling like your tongue is burning, or tingling, or like pins and needles

158. Choking

159. Constant craving for sugar or sweets

160. Constipation

161. Diarrhea

162. Difficulty swallowing

163. Difficulty talking, pronouncing certain letters or sounds, mouth feels like it isn’t moving right, slurred speech

164. Dry mouth

165. Feeling like you can’t swallow properly or that something will get caught in your throat

166. Feeling like your tongue is swollen

167. IBS

168. Lack of appetite or taste

169. Lump in the throat, tight throat, something stuck in your throat

170. Mouth muscles twitching/jumping

171. Mouth or throat clicking or grating sound/noise when you move your mouth or jaw

172. Nausea

173. Nausea vomiting

174. Nausea or abdominal stress

175. Numbness

176. Numbness tingling, numbness and tingling

177. Stomach upset, gas, belching, bloating

178. Teeth grinding

179. The thought of eating makes you nauseous

180. Tight throat, lump in throat

Skin

181. Burning skin sensations, skin sensitivity

182. Numbness

183. Numbness tingling, numbness and tingling

184. Skin problems, infections, rashes

185. Sleep (anxiety symptoms commonly associated with sleep):

186. Difficulty falling or staying asleep

187. Frequent bad, bizarre, or crazy dreams

188. Hearing sounds in your head that jolt you awake

189. Insomnia, or waking up ill in the middle of the night

190. Jolting awake

191. Waking up in a panic attack

192. You feel worse in the mornings

Sight

193. Distorted, foggy, or blurred vision

194. Dry, watery or itchy eyes

195. Eye tricks, seeing things our of the corner of your eye that isn’t there, stars, flashes

196. Eyes sensitive to light

197. Spots in the vision

198. Flashing lights when eyes are closed

199. Your depth perception feels wrong

Touch

200. Burning skin sensations, skin sensitivity

201. Feeling cold or chilled

202. Numbness

203. Numbness tingling, numbness and tingling

204. Pain

205. Tingling, pins and needles feelings

In addition to these anxiety symptoms, you may also find yourself worrying compulsively about:

• Having a heart attack

• Having a serious undetected illness

• Dying prematurely

• Going insane or losing your mind

• Suddenly snapping

• Losing it

• Uncontrollably harming yourself or someone you love

• Losing control of your thoughts and actions

• Being embarrassed or making a fool out of yourself

• Losing control

• Fainting in public

• Not breathing properly

• Losing control of reality

• Choking or suffocating

• Being alone

Stay anxiety ridden my friends.

A Patient goes Back Into The Hospital

Wed, 11 Jul 2012 19:29:18 -0500

While I was at Timberlawn a met a lot of great people and many of them I added to my Facebook. Yesterday one of them contacted me and told me in uncertain terms that she may have to go back in for more treatment, that she couldn’t bare that she was putting her 9 year old though this hardship, and that because of this she wanted to die.

That’s when I had this to say:

You do it for her. You breathe so that she may feel your warmth when you hug her. You do what has to be done to better your self to see her smile.

She added:

And if it doesnt work this time…

Thank you for giving a shit. I have no support and im scared to death.

I explained:

Then you smile; at the world, at your daughter, and the people that matter in your life. There is something out there that will always test us, our integrity, and our perseverance. Your struggles now shadow in the joys you have experienced regardless of your past but don’t let that confuse you; it is only the pain we remember far to often then the good times.

The past does not dictate the future. It is only the future that give us pause because it is the only thing in life that we can not accurately predict.

Fear not the future but the lack of one. Do not fear the pain we endure now, but what comes when we cease to feel it ever more. Fear never holding her again. Fear not seeing her growing, falling in love, and even having her heart broken.

The morrow may come and you look to the sky, the fluffy clouds above, the sweet gentle wind, and realize that even amongst the pain comes the greatest gift: life. If there was no pain and suffering, in any degree, then life would be incredibly boring.

So, pack your bags, smile, and step forward without looking over your shoulder for invisible demons.

I’m happy to say that she will be checking herself back in to the hospital.

Videos

Fri, 22 Jun 2012 10:41:03 -0500

I have two scripts written for videos I intend to shoot and upload to YouTube. Is there any topic you all would be interested in watching about DID?