Tonight has shown me just how much progress I’ve made in this struggle to overcome this horrible illness. I’m completely overwhelmed by all of the little victories that occurred in just a few hours.

First of all, I managed to subdue all of my self-doubt and anxiety and actually went out by myself to socialize. I didn’t have any safety net there. Instead, I was confident. I talked to strangers without the feeling of being completely lost. I was able to be comfortable in a social situation on my own. 

I met the guy from OKCupid, and again, I felt very much at ease just talking to him. Our conversations have never deviated from proper things. I went into it with no expectations. I wasn’t uncomfortable. I didn’t feel that pressure that I normally do that makes me act in strange ways. When we first met up and finally got a chance to talk he started off the conversation with “So, tell me about these major life changes.” I felt comfortable talking to him about it because he had been so accepting of me in everything leading up to it. He actually listened. He showed compassion. I don’t really have the feeling like there’s an romantic connection between us, and that’s not really what I was after, but I’m really excited about this friendship. It showed me that I don’t have to be afraid of people.

I was able to have one beer, know my limit, and sedate the impulse to drink more. Normally, I’d be anxious over knowing I didn’t have alcohol at home, but I was fine with that. I did find half of a glass of wine here, but that was enough for me. I felt like I deserved it, and again, it was moderation.

One of the biggest victories was when I realized that I was completely fine with going home alone. That thought used to make me incredibly anxious and restless, but there was none of that. The thought crossed my head, but I was able to let it go. I had several invitations, but I declined them all. I didn’t feel like this lonely, empty void that needed to be filled. I was whole. I didn’t need anyone. That’s an incredibly big step for me. Instead of being so fixated on the loneliness and needing something to soothe the pain, I turned it into the hope of ‘someday’.

All of this gives me a lot of hope, courage, and strength. I’ve learned that I can interact with people in a healthy way. I can be comfortable with people. I can control myself. I can let go of the impulses and not let them take over. I’m okay with being alone. 

And I don’t feel like I’m nothing but an aching void anymore. 

Anyone with BPD knows just how much of a triumph these things are.

I sat there for a while and read through everything tagged with Borderline Personality Disorder on here.

There’s so much pain in my heart right now. Not only my own pain, but the pain that I feel for those who struggle, for those who have walked the same path I have, for those who know the darkness, the aching, the emptiness, the loneliness. 

I want to take all of these people and hold them, make them feel safe, and just tell them that they’re going to be okay. Really, when it comes down to it, that’s all that people with BPD really want. To feel safe, cared for, and protected from themselves and the outside world. 

But then there are books on how to deal with us. Honestly, I’ve found more on how to cope with someone with BPD than I have for those who have it. The majority of the books out there are completely condescending. There’s such a stigma attached to the disorder. We’re “difficult”. We’re a lost cause. We can’t be saved. Even doctors hate dealing with us and the diagnosis is pretty much a death sentence. There’s so much bullshit advice out there for people in relationships with those with BPD saying “get out while you still can”. That’s right. Abandon us. Do the thing we fear the most. 

This is what I want to fix. This is why I went into psychology in school. I can’t stand the thought of even one person having to feel the way I always have. I want to do research. I want to save those that the modern world feels can’t be saved. 10% of us end up ending it all and that scares me. That’s so many beautiful people lost to this illness. I want to do what I can to make the lives of those with BPD better. 

Even though you may feel alone, misunderstood, and completely isolated because of BPD, just remember you’re not the only one. Seek out those people and offer them love. You might save someone’s life.