This is part one of a series of videos where I discuss my extreme paranoia which led up to me abandoning my job recently.
The next video I talk about what I believe to be cotard delusions I’ve had.
This is part one of a series of videos where I discuss my extreme paranoia which led up to me abandoning my job recently.
The next video I talk about what I believe to be cotard delusions I’ve had.
The other day was my bachelor’s party. I down to A-Town to be with my friends and family who were all meeting me for a night of playing D&D, drinking, and eating bad food. While I was there everything was going well, then it wasn’t. I was in a “funk” and I couldn’t understand why I was.
The emotion was torn away from the event.I knew who these people were but I didn’t care much for them. I kept telling myself that this was my best-man/best-friend and my two brothers over and over again assuring myself that they were not strangers.
I didn’t much care about being here. I couldn’t understand why I was in Austin… although I knew why I was there. I wanted to go home. I almost started crying. I wondered what would happen if I called up the Girl With DID and asked her to drive the three hours to pick me up.
Almost two hours pass when the fog of derealization lifted leaving me able to relate to the world and my family once again. Fast forward 8 hours to when I am laying down in my friends guest room bed. Moments before I fall asleep depersonalization hits. I don’t who I am. I feel small. I’m young. I’m a girl. I’m April. End scene.
My wedding is in two weeks. This and general life stress is taking its toll. I can barely remember my days any more. It all just seems like a dream assuming I remember it.
I live in a world where I see myself perform life’s tasks. Almost never in my body. Sometimes I see other people in my memories. These people are supposed to be me but its not my face or body,
I’m taking more Xanax each and every week. .25mg used to knock me on my ass two months ago. Today I just took my 2nd 1mg.
The obsessions are back - this insatiable need for complete and total perfection - god like even. My morals must be better than anyone’s otherwise I am a terrible person.
The other day I heard my coworker say, “Yeah, I’ll kill them. I’ll kill my entire family.” Then later another coworker, “I’ve killed my family before.” I know they didn’t say these things they couldn’t have.
Then I started having these intrusive thoughts of people killing me. These are day dreams and I experience them almost as intensely as a flash back. I’ve had to leave early from work multiple times.
My fantasies are becoming more elaborate like I can step into them and loose self by accident. I’ll be sitting at the computer then I’m in a daydream and the world around me gets fuzzy.
Doctor put me on Abilify which is good to some degree. Within about 5 hours it fully kicked in. I turned to my fiancé and said, “I know this is going to sound weird but for the first time in a really long time I feel alive.” She smiled softly.
The only draw back is that it makes me hyper as hell and restless. An anti-psychotic that makes you hyper wasn’t expecting that. I haven’t taken it more than three times as a result. I think getting up from my desk at work every 10 minutes would seem odd. I need to call my psych but I can’t and I don’t know why.
On Valentines Day I found that I was going to be a father. Wedding soon to follow. :). Video to come.
So I found out on Valentines day that the girl with DID is pregnant with my child. I’m do happy but freaking out at the same time.
My top 5 emotions I feel the most:
1. Fear
2. Nothingness
3. Love
4. Happiness
5. FuckIAMGoingCrazyAndAmAboutToLoseMyShit
For a fact I turn 30 this year. Ugh. But I’m 28. Fucking lame :/
Ever since I have begun working again I have questioned myself on a daily basis if this is something I should be doing. As a web developer the money is great but is it worth the extra crippling anxiety?
While on my disability all I wanted to do was work again. I struggled to find a profession that would give me a decent wage with a moderate amount of stress. As soon as I went down a particular path I would stop abruptly unable to focus on anything meaningful long enough to get anything done. First I wanted to go back to school to be a videographer. Then I wanted to be a counselor. Then a artist. That morphed into becoming a short story writer. Then that changed into being a photographer.
The bills began to backup and there was only thing I could really feasibly do and that was to go back into my previous profession. I knew this might be pragmatic due to the stress but I had little other options. So, picked up my profession as a web developer once again. I wish I had the ability to unify and choose a solid profession besides this one because it is killing me again.
With the therapy every memory that I encounter blows my mind apart and throws me off balance and I have to spend days picking up the pieces again. Some of the most shocking bubbled up through quiet contemplation and in a sense brute force mind hacking. These are things I didn’t want to remember. Shit that I didn’t want to feel again.
I feel numbed trying to distance myself from all the anxiety I face every day. This anxiety is not your typical anxiousness people might feel. Every day my anxiety is on parallel with “I just messed something up and it cost the company a million dollars.” Every day I wake up I dread going to work because I dread the anxiety, the horrible feelings of inadequacy, and the unshakable sense that I’ve done something wrong and they are mad at me.
5 out of 7 days a week I loose time whereas when I wasn’t working I rarely lost time. 6-7 days a week I DP/DR several times a day whereas before it was maybe once or twice a week. My anxiety is almost never ending. I have to take Xanax every morning and at noon just to get through the day. At night the anxiety is so strong I have to force myself to sleep (fear of dying in my sleep).
I’ll sit at my computer in the middle of writing code then all of a sudden I don’t know what I am doing. I don’t know how to code, and I don’t know how to read it. The memories are gone and where the fuck they went to I have no idea but it kind of pisses me off. Then I remember again. This can last from 5 minutes to ????.
Every day I sit in my cubical and I worry that I am talking to myself out loud. During the times when I realize that I have dissociated myself into nothingness I worry that I’ve been sitting there staring at my computer mumbling to myself.
There is a part of me that wants me to run away. Far away. Just anywhere but here. Then the realization hits me that I am trying to literally runaway from myself. It is me that causes all the stress and needless anxiety and it might be time for me to go.
New Year. Old Trauma
The New Year is around the corner. I’ll talk briefly about my first episode of dissociation when I was young and fell through a frozen lake.
Going Back to Work
Since my diagnosis of DID around March of last year I’ve been on disability. Earlier this month I started working again and have been dealing with the repercussions of workplace stress.
